~~Remember those walls i built....~~

ok so last nite i was talking to tyler and i was being semi-open with him...we were basically talking about how our day went and about life in general{past, Present and Future} and somethng he sed really made me think and it kinda made me feel bad too...he sed
~~yes i want to get behind that wall but im not gonna force it~~
he was referring to these "wall" that i basically built between me and the world{including him} and after he sed that i really started thinking why dont i let him in my mind or behind that wall as we say.....and at first i couldnt really come to a conclusion well hell i still cant but i did come to some points as to why i do block him out.....1.because im afraid of getting hurt...it just seems like ive been hurt too many times in my life and i try to prevent myself from getting hurt by not letting the world in and acting like i dont care....2.im afraid of wat he might think....i mean i know he loves me ands hes going to be here for me regardless but its just hard cus i dont want him to have the wrong reaction to something i say and start treating me different or something and 3. idk....i dont know why i wont let him in.....i know in my heart he wont hurt me intentionally and i know that he'll try his best never to let that happen...but its just so hard to open up to him....i mean ive been doing it gradually but i wanna get to the point where i can pour my heart out to him and it not be a big deal at all....its soo much that i want to tell him but i just cant bring myself to do it.....it really pisses me off and i get mad at myself sometimes cus i know its things he want to know and theres things i want to tell him but they'll nver come out....ugh...i hate myself sometimes for that....its like my mind and my heart are fighting..and its a tie.........another thing thats been on my mind lately is the fact that i met my dads brother yesterday....for those who dont know...my dad died a month before i was born so he never got to meet me.....well yesterday wen i was talkin to my "uncle" he basically was telling me how happii he was to see me and how everybody wants to meet me{my mom doesnt really well technically doesnt let me at all interfere with that side of my family idk y} but we exchanged numbers and all that good stuff and he was like he'll keep in touch and all that good stuff.....the main thing that im upset about is that i dont think its fair....its not fair that i had to grow up with no dad.....its not fair that he couldnt have met me....if always wonder wat my life would be like if he was here....maybe me and my mom would be closer maybe i wouldnt have so many problems like i do.....it breaks my heart to think about the fact that he'll never know me...he'll never see me graduate, get married, have kids or do anything....he's missed so many bdays, me getting my L's, my first car, and it hurts that we'll never have that father daughter talks, or ill nver get to cry on his shoulder or he'll nver be able to tell me he loves me.....(i kno this sounds depressing but im crying as im writing...yall just dont feel my pain) and to top all that off my mom didnt even have the audacity to even give me a picture or at least tell me his name and wat happened to him......i had to search the house for the one pic i had and i believe she took that from me....my gma had to accidentally tell me wat happen to him....it just really pisses me off that...out of all ppl God chose me not to have a dad....ive always had an empty space in my heart and i honestly believe that thats where my love for him was suppose to be ......i wanna be mad about it but who can i blame...its no ones fault that he died....i just wish i could have atleast met him before he went....just so he'll know my face and ill know his.....i just want to know why...why did he have to leave me...i would have been satisfied with him being in jail or a drug addict or somethng just not dead...thats so finalized....once hes gone hes gone...he didnt even have a chance to even try to get to know me....i just hope that hes in heaven looking down on me now...and i hope hes proud of me.....i cant take this n e more ...out ppl